I had a lot of thoughts. So much, that i actually needed to write it out somewhere. It turns out that Physically writing out my thoughts wasnt a good idea. As i always forget about it. Its horrible, because i like recording my thoughts. So far, I've only had a couple of entries in that Physical Diary of mine. Stashed in my room in University... But that isnt what this is about.
Ive been thinking about stuff lately, but not the usual stuff that i think about. Just, general things, and why i always limit myself.
For instance, the other day i wanted to sleep at 12 midnight and wake up at 9. That didnt happen. I woke up at 12 the next day. Which annoyed me. It gave me a bad start to my day.
However the following night i sort of had an Ephiphany... Why am i forcing myself to reset my Bodyclock? i have no urgency to wake up earlier than usual the next morning.. So why am i forcing myself? I ended up watching Arrested Development (a Series) until about 3:30 am, and i woke up the next day at about 10:30, Not tired at all.
Its a bit weird, but things like that sort of set me back and question reality. Why do i set these weird goals to myself? Its as if i take advantage of my own drive. I know that if i set a goal, i will achieve it. But why do i set Mini-goals such as waking up early?
The answer just occured as i typed those words out, and again, it relies on something we are all familiar with: Perfection.
8 had an amazing post in PP forums regarding Perfection, and i think that's what i was subconciously trying to achieve. If i wake up this early, then i'll have more things to do, and life will be a bit more Perfect. If i physically write in that Journal, i'll have a Physical memory of my life. Then life would be a bit more perfect. And another thing, if i get off facebook and do something else, people wouldnt view me as a Facebook geek, and life would be better someone else.
But then i realised, that Somewhere down the line, Where i kept shouting: 'Who gives a fuck' ? That i forgot to step back and realise- That i never gave a fuck before if i was Online 24/7, or that my body clock was fucked. or that i never had a Journal before. So why do these all bother me now?
Its 1:50 am. And instead of going to bed before i meet up with Mayowa tomorrow, i'll head off to watch some Arrested development. Like a Rebel.
-Envy
